Why does my dog respond differently to different people?
Does your dog listen and behave better for your partner than you? Here's why!
Does your dog listen and behave better for your partner than you? Here's why!
December 4, 2024
Does your dog listen and behave better for your partner than you? Or treat you with respect but bite your kids? Here’s why!
I’m often asked this question! People might find their dog listens to everything their partner says, but basically ignores them. Or the puppy is perfectly behaved with the adults in the house, but nips and jumps all over the children. Sometimes, the dog is great with everyone in the house but totally walks all over Nana (metaphorically!) when she visits.
Here I explore some of the reasons your dog might respond differently to different people.
Many dog owners are flabbergasted when they bring their hyperactive dog in to see us, and the minute me or one of my trainers starts managing the dog, the dog instantly becomes more calm and responsive.
A big factor can be the trainer's sense of confidence and calm attitude.
Our dogs are acutely aware of how we are feeling. Our posture, voice tone, body tone and pheromones are speaking to our dog all the time, so if the handler is at all anxious, stressed, frustrated or even just distracted, the dog will sense that and they’ll take their lead from the trainer and will be much more heightened and difficult to train.
Conversely, if the trainer is calm and confident, the dog will also follow that lead.
It’s hard to fool a dog as their postural communication skills and olfactory acuity are much better than ours, and they are reading more than can be obviously seen on the surface!
This becomes a cycle too, as the trainer who gets the better response will then gain confidence in handling that dog, therefore next time they handle that dog, they go in with a confident attitude and again this helps the dog respond in a better way. Whereas the person who got the poor response will lose more confidence.
Another factor is a person's natural assertiveness - what some people call ‘dominance’ (and I don't mean this in an unpleasant "alpha" or "leader of the pack" kind of way). Some people naturally have a taller stature, deeper voice, stronger posture, more inclination to give a bit more eye contact in a non-threatening way etc. This can make a significant difference in how a dog responds, and again it's not about being forceful, it's just about natural markers that a dog associates more with "pack elders' and therefore will be more responsive to. This could be deeper voice or it could even be the way the person holds themselves, the confidence in which they hold and manage the lead, their body posture, how they angle their body to the dog etc.
If one person has taken the lead with the pup or dog’s training and care, the dog will naturally respond to that person more readily. They have put in the time and effort to teach the dog to respond to them, and reinforce positive responses. Effectively they have taken control of the most important resources, in particular food. If a dog isn’t listening to a member of the household or is showing disrespect (e.g. nipping or jumping up on kids), the first thing I recommend is that the person not getting the good response does some proactive training with the dog using a clicker and treats. I also recommend they start feeding their dog as well. This can very quickly result in better responses. Everyone (including older children) in the family should take some time to train and control the dog.
Sometimes, it’s simply a case of some people reinforcing undesirable behaviours while others don’t. For example, one person may pat the dog or speak in a high pitched tone of voice when the dog jumps up to say hello, while another may insist the dog is sitting or standing nicely before they give out pats. One person may occasionally slip the dog a tidbit from their plate (leading to begging or soliciting behaviour like whining or barking) while the other person doesn’t. This stuff can seem like really small, almost unnoticeable stuff - but believe me, your dog notices and knows who they can take advantage of and who they can’t!
There may also be micro differences in the way two people train that you don't obviously see which make a difference - things as small as how they hand the treats to the dog, what behaviours they ask for, what tone of voice they use for different responses etc. There's a bunch of things that could be a factor!
If you’re ready to work on your dog’s behaviour and make sure they listen to EVERYONE - come and check out our Virtual Training Schools. We have videos showing you exactly how to build a bond with your dog, and teach them to listen to and respect all the people they come across. When you join, you and your household get access to weekly Live Coaching Sessions with me, my training team for unlimited questions, and a supportive members-only community of people doing the same training as you. I love the way most families video their progress and in particular I love it when the kids show off their training skills and reinforce that anyone can do it, including kids!
Learn more here.
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